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The happiest day of your life was the day you won the Little Miss Lactose Intolerant pageant in your crouton-sized hometown of Dinky Cow, WI. You were sure your best friend would win because she was on a crash diet of biodegradable starch-based packing peanuts (they taste great lightly salted). Luckily, the judges are blown away by your heartfelt rendition of Madonna's "Like a Virgin" choreographed to a polka arrangement, which you performed during the talent portion of the show. You won a $1,000 dollar gift certificate, which was redeemable only on lactose-free dairy products and expired a week after it was received. Thus you become quite skilled at crafting cows out of lactose-free butter. (What else can you do with 30 pounds of butter?) Anyway, with this newly acquired talent, you have an excellent chance of reaching the final rounds of the Miss Lactose Free U.S.A. pageant. Winning the Miss Lactose Free U.S.A. pageant would solve all your problems. The first place winner receives $10,000 cash prize which would allow you to get out of Dinky Cow and receive a college education. If you don't go to college, your only other option is to carry on your mother's cow decorating business. (Each year the women of Dinky Cow dress their family's best cow in costume and makeup revolving around the year's central cow parade theme and parade them down main street. This year's theme was fairy tails (get it?) This tradition often provokes a jealous rivalry between women and pandemonium breaks loose. As a professional cow decorator, you mother has one of the most dangerous occupations in Dinky Cow - & you don't want to follow in her footsteps.) Anyhow, days before the competition you are looking through the rules for the swim suit competition (that's right-even the lactose intolerant must wear bikinis...) when you are shocked to discover that competitors must have a belly button. (In addition to almost all body parts, although strangely toes are not required.) Because yourself and your conjoined twin were attached at the stomach at birth, you lost your belly button during your surgical separation. Thus, you are one of the few people on this earth without a belly button. Should you risk spending $1,000 (your life savings) on an artificial (and removable) belly button in the hopes that you will win the contest (in which case all your dreams would come true)? Or should you boycott the contest and become a professional cow decorator? |